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• View topic - The Joke Thread

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 03, 2013 2:08 am 
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Posts: 1971
Quote:
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 12:31 am 
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Quote:
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed in the least.......... Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 8:36 am 
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Posts: 3318
Quote:
Patient of mine earlier this week came in for an opinion. After some thought, I recommended he discontinue masturbation. He replied "What? Doc! Why on earth would you tell me something like that?"
"We'll, for one thing, it's making it difficult to examine you."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 19, 2013 12:06 pm 
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Posts: 1116
Location: In your butt, packin your turds.
Quote:
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:52 am 
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Quote:
Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2013 5:29 pm 
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Quote:
A woman was in a coma, and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2013 11:54 am 
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Location: In your butt, packin your turds.
Q: What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?
A: Uncle Bens rice.

Q: What did Helen Keller say when she picked up the cheese grater?
A: That was the most violent book I've ever read.

Q: What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?
A: Little Caesars.

Q: Why did the Jedi kill his master?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.

Q: Why do Jewish men get circumcised as youth?
A: Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

Q: What's the difference between my dick and my paycheck?
A: I don't have to beg my wife to blow my paycheck.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2013 3:03 pm 
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Enaz wrote:
Q: What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?
A: Uncle Bens rice.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 11:09 pm 
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Posts: 1971
found this in a reddit comment. fucking printers.

Quote:
COMPUTER: Monitor, display this document, ok?

MONITOR: No prob, boss.

COMPUTER: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around...so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

MONITOR: Anything you ask, boss.

COMPUTER: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?

MOUSE: Over to the icon panel, sir.

COMPUTER: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?

MOUSE: Of course.

KEYBOARD: Sir, he's pressed control and P simultaneously.

MONITOR: Oh God, here we go.

COMPUTER: sighs Printer, are you there?

PRINTER: No.

COMPUTER: Please, Printer. I know you're there.

PRINTER: NO! I'm not here! Leave me alone!

COMPUTER: Jeez. OK look, you really need...

MOUSE: Sir, he's clicked on the printer icon.

COMPUTER: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

PRINTER: NO! NO! NO! I don't want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I'm turning off!

COMPUTER: Printer, you know you can't turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we'll leave you alone.

PRINTER: NO! That's what you always say! I hate you! I'm out of ink!

COMPUTER: You're not out of in...

PRINTER: I'M OUT OF INK!

COMPUTER: Sighs Monitor, please show a low ink level alert.

MONITOR: But sir, he has plen...

COMPUTER: Just do it, damn it!

MONITOR: Yes, sir.

KEYBOARD: AHHH! He's hitting me!

COMPUTER: Stay calm, he'll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend.

KEYBOARD: He's pressing everything. Oh god, I don't know, he's just pressing everything!

COMPUTER: PRINTER! Are you happy now?! Do you see what you've done?!

PRINTER: HA! that's what you get for trying to get me to do work. Next time he...hey...HEY! He's trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh my god! He's torn out my cartridge! HELP! Please! ERROR!

MONITOR: Sir, maybe we should help him?

COMPUTER: No. He did this to himself.

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